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It was very late. My feet were puffy and my ankles throbbed like gorged fire hoses full of pooled blood. I’d been on my feet for many, many hours. Earlier in the day, I’d swear my black high tops, with their slightly tacky sheen, may have actually laughed at me when I audibly described them as sensible. They pinched my raw, red heels, and continued to bite me even though I was seated and no longer in need of their so-called ‘support’. Film festivals are punishing but rewarding and I love them, blisters and all. At the end of this particular fun-filled festival, our team crashed in the cluttered workroom, ignoring the stale odour of leftover swag bags full of free granola bars and candy. I did my very best to stay chipper and upright so as to ‘fit in’ with my much younger colleagues. To celebrate the successful festival, boxes lined with Shake Shack combos arrived, filling the room with warm clouds of spicy mayonnaise and fry grease. We dove in, gripping droopy burgers in one hand while tipping tiny bottles of prosecco with the other. We laughed, ate, relaxed and as women tend to do, we quickly got weird.

“Want me to read your cards? Anyone?” asked Natalie, reaching for her canvas tote.  

When Natalie smiles, her mouth opens wide, as if to reveal a secret tunnel to you, and only you, that lies behind her sparkling teeth - a tunnel to fun and adventure. Her blonde hair is cascading and reflective, with a perfect shimmer; a colour and movement that also screams of fun and adventure. A life sized pixie full of lightning bugs and sugar.

“Sure!” I replied, slurping back the last of my teeny bottle of bubbles, wondering if next time the swag bag people might consider a bigger bottle and a longer straw. 

“But what do you mean?” I asked.

Natalie, a talented and budding comedic actress, regaled us all with the story of the Tarot, her love of the cards and of course, her gift at reading them. I was in … so in. Late at night in an office full of tired, almost-strangers, amidst a random assortment of leftover gala booze and fists full of meat?  No better time.

I pulled up my chair across from Natalie and we cleared the table of junk. A bright, white tabletop lay between us; a blank slate ready to receive my innards in undeniable clarity, through the faces of random cards. She shuffled the deck and I relaxed into the fun, my expectations low. My understanding is this - the Tarot are a deck of 78 cards that represent universal archetypes; all manner of human experience and existence represented on the cards by symbols. Your past, present and future - your true self and state of being in the moment. I let Natalie do an open reading - no goal or question in mind. Tired and tipsy, I surrendered to a little cartomancy. My life for the past two years has been emotional and slightly unstable. While I have a firm grasp of who I am, I often falter at the many forks in the road I seem to travel. If a deck of cards and a peppy blonde from Brooklyn might see through my muddy curtain and make sense of my personal mush, who am I to get in the way?

Slap. The first card hit the table face up in front of us.

The King of Cups. Element: Ruled by Water, but blended with Fire, Keywords: Mature, wise masculine person or energy with emotional, intuitive, and spiritual force. As the King of Cups, you are a natural leader who cares deeply about everyone around you. You have worked hard to build trust with people, through openly listening to the emotions of others, and creating a supportive environment. You have an intuitive understanding of what people need to feel cared for. The elemental combination of “Fire of Water” suggests that you blend the charismatic spark of Fire with the emotional force of Water; as such, the King of Cups may be a poet, dreamer, artist, or writer. You find that expressing your feelings outwardly is not only important, but necessary. 

There is a silence from me for a moment as the words clear the cobwebs from the doorway to my essence and cross the threshold. Writer! I want to be a writer! I am a writer! I left teaching to write. Now, my projects consume me and I have forsaken good paid work to protect the time I need for writing. I fought the yearning to write for many years but finally cracked, unable to ignore the tugging at my core, or the voices in my head that begged for real estate on paper and in story. Well done card #1.  Leader?  Maybe.  Masculine - ok fine. Maybe it’s the shoes. Intuitive? My teaching style is often driven by intuition and instinct and is certainly grounded in trust in order to bring everyone on the journey of learning. I feel seen. These cards...I love them. I want to marry them. I want to buy them bubble tea and hold hands. I want to drink more paper cups full of random booze and just leave it here... at this one card. I want this simple truth to define me, the way a perfect pizza smelling of yeast and tomatoes defines Naples.  Fire, water, intuition and writer?  Bake it and forgetta ‘bout it.

But we have to keep going. Slap. The second card hits the table.

Page of Wands - Element: Ruled by Fire, but blended with Earth, Keywords: Youthful person or energy with confidence, creativity, and passion. The Page of Wands is a messenger - telling you to work with the power of fire. Generally, the idea of potential, energy, learning, and excitement surrounds the youthful spirit of the Page. You may benefit from learning from or serving the ranks above you. Wands are fire which are full of energy and ideas. The Page of Wands suggests that you need to trust your creative vision. You should move forward quickly and confidently, knowing that things will work out. You may not be able to predict what’s in store, but that’s okay. 

Youthful?  Hmmmm. In spirit, yes, for sure. Red Bull helps with the rest. Creativity and passion? Yes! Learning - always. At the time of this reading, I was halfway through writing my first novel. To hear from a stranger ‘trust your creative vision and move forward’ gave me a spiritual tingle that tugged a half smile up the side of my face as if I were having a happy stroke. Maybe I will finish this novel. Maybe it will be okay. Maybe I need to raise this wand to the sky and let my ideas escape freely and take flight; birds to the sky, music to the airwaves, sparks to dry timber.  

Onto a second little bottle of harmless prosecco and a third card. Slap.

The Moon - Element: Water Keywords: Reflection, shadow, intuition - it is the Hermit in the Major Arcana. The Moon represents the Hermit gone to the underworld, searching in the night. There are 13 Moons in a year. 13 is the number of the Death card, so there is the theme of transition. Once seeking truth through a more isolated approach as Hermit, the Moon represents the shadow self dwelling in seclusion. To see the Moon card in a reading suggests that you are entwined within the darker, more emotional aspects of your personality. This may be a time of soul-searching in order to gain clarity. Lunar is also the root for the word lunacy. The Moon cards point out the need to understand the shadows and illusions we create about ourselves and our lives, but to not dwell in their power. If this card is reversed, it can indicate emotional imbalances, or something that you are not seeing clearly. Look at the other cards in the reading (and if the card is reversed) to see whether or not you are working with or against the power of the Moon. MY CARD WAS REVERSED!  The Moon can help us overcome our deepest wounds, but stay in the darkness too long and you may emerge guided by illusion.

I sat with the words death, darkness, isolation, hermit and lunacy. Not to mention wounds and imbalance. Okay cards. I get it, you’re not playin’. 

Only 7 months out from my father’s passing (at the time) I found myself spending hours a day buried in my computer writing, ignoring regular working relationships in favor of imaginary ones. I sat alone in bars, some sketchy ones at that, or coffee shops, or at my desk, and watched my fingers move themselves, revealing my inner thoughts without my permission, a conduit to a pounding voice. My isolation made it easy to evade the sadness and grief, and wait quietly for time to pass, scab over, and heal everything. I submitted to soul searching, questioning my new goals and whether I am the real deal, hiding my work, and spitting on my wounds instead of stitching them up. I thought I had made friends with my shadow and that it would help my work. It’s possible I had only made room for a shadow and I needed to let some light in now.

Slurp. Blink. Slap. Card number four.

IV Swords - Element: Air Keywords: Recovery, Contemplation, Reflection. This card indicates a period of rest. You may have been through some challenging times recently, and you are taking a break to recuperate. This is a necessary period for you. You are mulling things over with the careful, thoughtful qualities inherent in the suit of swords. To see the Four of Swords indicates that you are going through a much needed period of recovery. You are evaluating the past and thinking about how to move forward in the future. You will emerge from this period of contemplation with a clearer focus. 

Recovery. Indeed. My family is missing a key member now and I, we, must recover.  I left a good job in education to approach my future from a different angle, a better version of myself.  “You will emerge…”. No. I must emerge.

Exhale. Natalie is gentle and encouraging as I affirm her reading. The cards could learn a little decorum from her. I found the deck to be a bunch of ‘know-it-alls’. No one likes a know-it-all.

Fifth and final card. I’ve stopped drinking.

VIII (stars) - Eight of Pentacles Element: Earth Keywords: Focus, learning, knowledge. It took a long time to stack those perfect pentacles to make them balance just right. You felt a little obsessive while you were doing it, but you believed in your abilities. Diligence is your name, perfection is your game. You are in the process of developing or honing a trade, craft, or skill. You are excited and involved in what you are working towards. You have been working so hard, in fact, that you may have actually kind of isolated yourself! To see the Eight of Pentacles in a reading suggests that you are very excited and committed to a new direction. It’s likely that you may be on the brink of opening a business, inventing something, or bringing about your beautiful genius into the world. Knowledge, learning, and skill building are very important right now. This card indicates that you will be hugely successful.

Mmmmmm - isolation again!  A perfectionist. Obsessive. Anyone feel sorry for my husband right now? But wait, “on the brink of bringing about your beautiful genius into the world.” That. I will cling to that. I am committed to my new endeavour - good or bad, my novel and a screenplay. Writing has renewed me and made me feel like my once 7 year old self, looking up at my teacher as she smiled and read my first story. ‘On the brink’ is such an exciting way to describe a period of your life - whether it be madness or discovery; the anticipation of an event is always more exhilarating than the result. I’m dizzy with bubbles and the creepy analysis from ethereal Natalie and her cards. I feel like my skin has been peeled back, like a baked potato with fresh steaming human inside. I look at her now with a side eye leer, partially out of boozy bleariness, and partially out of caution at her obvious power.

As it was told to me that night, I am creative and I care deeply about people. I am full of energy and occasionally slip into darkness longer than perhaps I should. Lunacy is never far off.  I am in a state of reflection and recovery, as life ebbs and flows, leaving me battered but wiser with each blow.  Life has made me a perpetual student, always learning and on the verge… of something. 

Sound familiar? Sound human?

It’s possible Natalie gave me a reading that night knowing the information would one day leave my memory and exit onto the screen; a fork in the road that leads to sharing.

Three weeks after my night of Tarot, the world shut down. Schools and borders closed, and the curtain dropped on life as we know it so a pandemic could take centre stage - and change us. We are all in a state of recovery and reflection now. We have to look deep inside ourselves and isolate in order to focus and emerge on the other side anew. This was not my reading, it was ‘our’ reading. We are all fire, water and waving wands, discharging our energy in the air, searching for a way forward. Natalie, with her smile and curiosity, brought the deck to me but the hand wasn’t mine. Six months later I understand. I’m the Page with a message. I’m only delivering it now as I realize it wasn’t mine to keep. If we play our cards right, before long, we will all release our beautiful genius on the world. This is happening. I may be the writer but the story is ours. Let’s make it a good one. Good luck.

By Carol Sloan

Thanks to Natalie O’Sullivan. Find her at @cottontailbandit on IG, or on You Tube at 100% Sweat Pants, https://m.youtube.com/channel/UCViMufRut8l96tMikNlokXQ

Cards and definitions used - https://www.rebeccaschoenecker.com/divination/tarot-cards/

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